Just How Strongly I Can Care
by The Lost Girl 21
Summary: The true reasons why Angel fired his friends when Darla came back, and how he felt during his dark period...


**Just How Strongly I Can Care...**

by _The Lost Girl_

_SPOILERS:_ Everything in BTVS and ATS up to ATS season 2 after Darla gets turned back into a vampire and Angel fires his crew...

_SUMMARY:_ The true reasons why Angel fired his friends when Darla came back, and how he felt during his "dark" period...

_DISCLAIMERS:_ All the characters in the story belong to whoever has the right on "BTVS" and "Angel".

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_ This small piece was first intended to be a prologue to a bigger story... Unfortunately, I never got the time to develop it from there... I wanted to make Buffy come back to L.A. and help Angel deal with Darla and come to terms with his feelings and the rage he felt... But I sort of liked the way they dealt with the situation in the show, so I never finished it... I know it isn't entirely B/A, but the story I meant to write was extremely centered on the couple and their relationship, so I still decided to post it... Nevertheless, there's a passage that explains why Angel left and the bitterness he feels towards faith, the PTB and whatever keeps tearing them apart, including his own demons...

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**Just How Strongly I Can Care...**

Wesley was right... He truly was... The only thing standing between me and true darkness was them... My family, my friends... Funny how I always end up hurting the ones I love. Not because I want to, not because they deserve it, simply because they never understand why I'm doing it, and I've never been able to stand up for myself and truly explain my motives to them. But maybe it's for the best. I sometimes wonder if having them hating me instead of caring would bring less pain and struggles into their lives... Hate feels good, hate feels simple... It's pure, clear, there's no misunderstanding about it... But love, friendship... It turns your world upside down.

I know they're worried about me, and frankly, I can't blame them... But I'm not reverting to my "evil ways", no matter how it looks... I'm just tired... Tired of having to fight the good fight day after day without feeling any support from whatever Powers there is. I mean they have the power to turn time, couldn't they do anything for, let's say, a certain curse? Please give me a break! Where is it written that I'm the one who has to suffer, get stabbed and be depressed all the time? Buffy was right, I have the power to do real good... But the part about her statement that has become meaningless over the last year is "to make amends"... Amends for what exactly?

Becoming a vampire? As if I truly did have a say in that matter. I must admit that I'm not especially proud of whom I was becoming as a human... Irresponsible, selfish, you name it! But still, I see irresponsible young man walking the streets everyday and they don't have to go to Hell for it! They are wasting their lives away, just like I did with mine. And I was careless enough to get killed, that's it! I died, should have been the end of the story.

For what Angelus did? I have explained the process of becoming a vampire to so many people that maybe after a hundred years I should get it! I wasn't there when Angelus killed and tortured so many people... We share memories, but I don't get why I should share the consequences of his crimes, or the guilt... Because he's still inside of me? Part of my body? If you want to reform him, then do it, but let me get out of here and find some peace.

And I don't understand how some powers that claim to be "good" would allow an innocent soul to return to a monster's body... Ok, so it was a gypsy revenge gig and there are a lot of unfair events in this world that could seem more urgent to take care of. But I could have had at least someone to guide me through those first 100 years... I was left alone, not understanding who I was, what I was and believing that I was responsible for all of those deaths. Why wait so long?

Whistler was the first who tried to make me believe that I was somebody. A person, maybe not alive, but a person still. That I had a purpose on Earth, could make a difference. I didn't want to believe it until I saw her...

Buffy. I said that I didn't have to make amends, maybe I was wrong. She's probably the person I have hurt the most, but we both hurt each other. Truth is, we are both extremely headstrong, find it hard to accept our mistakes and we jump easily to conclusions... I sometimes wish that I could explain to her why I left, but I'm scared, scared that she wouldn't listen, wouldn't comprehend... Our love is probably what would have killed us, both of us.

During those years I spent in Sunnydale, I was holding on to her as if my unlife depended on it. She was my world, my sunshine, my love... I loved her so much that I didn't see the obstacles we would have to face, or more refused to see it. And I still had hopes that there was a chance for us, that we could make it work. But apparently, those gypsies didn't find that living with a monster's memories was enough, I had to be completely miserable to keep my soul. And the ones to pay the price had to be Buffy and I, not Angelus. I'll never forgive him for what he did to her, to my friends... And to me...

My love had to send me to Hell to clean up the mess HE had done... And, of course, the PTB were once again too busy I suppose to get me out of there? Yeah, they did get me out of there, assuming that they're responsible for it, but after hundred of years of torture which I so not deserved. So you'll think that they would let me be free.

No, of course not! I had to come back to Earth, still stuck with Angelus inside of me and face the friends who still blamed me for Jenny's death and their pain. They hadn't found it in themselves to forgive me though there was really nothing to forgive. Even now, except for Cordelia, my relationship is still pretty tense with them. They're always worried that Angelus might resurface. I can't blame them though, living with Angelus inside of you is like carrying a bomb that could explode at any moment and swallow the Earth whole. So what should I do to ease their worries, kill myself? Tried once, got saved by an angel.

Maybe I was born to hurt her, but I also believe that I was born to love her. But if I had stayed, I would never have come to the realizations I have in the last year. Maybe it was Cordelia's influence, maybe it was having to depend more on myself, but I have grown, a lot. I know who I am now, I know that I have a purpose, I know that I can do good on my own and that I have the power to fight by myself and for myself. I still need Buffy, but I don't entirely depend on her. I was so holding on to her that I would have made both of us drown eventually. I needed to prove to myself that I deserved her. That I would be able to fight by her side, not be a liability to her. "Together you are strong, alone you are dead"... It has been hunting me ever since that day. That day that never was... Another thing really that I don't understand... Why allowing us to be so happy only to tear us apart once more? Was this some kind of test…? See how far I would be willing to go to protect her? Or then test my commitment to the rest of the world?

The Oracles told me that Doyle died so I may live, and that I do live so others may... Does it mean that the only reason for my existence is to save others? Don't they realize that I might not always be able to keep up the fight? Being a vampire is easy, no conscience, no remorse, so you never emotionally have to live with the consequences of your actions. Everything is simple, pure, clear... You could go on a thousand years! But no human could ever keep up the pace without eventually becoming insane, or stop caring. Ever wonder why a normal human being has a life expectancy of approximately 80 years old? Ever wonder why a slayer lives an even shorter amount of time? Having a conscience is what makes it hard. Always reconsidering your actions, wondering if you did the right thing... And having to see people around you die and suffer while you are powerless to do anything... Buffy has never really talked about it, but I know that she partly blames herself for each life she wasn't able to save. And so do I. Can they really expect any creature with a human soul to carry on that burden forever and not eventually crack? I have survived hundred of years of torture in Hell, and a hundred years as a demon with a soul... So forgive me if I stopped caring for a moment.

Letting Darla and Drusilla feed on those lawyers was wrong, I know it. And Cordelia was right, I'm not saying the contrary and trying to justify myself. But for that split second where I made my decision I felt numb. I tried to care, believe me I did, but I found that I couldn't. All I could see was that Darla was dead, once again before her time, and I had failed. And the ones responsible for bringing her back in the first place, and allowing her to be turned once again, were standing right before my eyes, asking for my help. I'm not a saint, I do make mistakes, lots of them. I had been willing to sacrifice my life to save Darla, but I wasn't capable of helping them... Strange how your mind works sometimes.

So I sat there, while Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn were telling me what I already knew. And though they were right, I didn't react to their words. What more was there to say really? I walked away when I should have done something, could have done something. And because I wasn't strong enough to kill Darla and Drusilla that night, others may die, and this time it'll really be my fault, at least more than all those deaths Angelus caused and I'm still trying so hard to make up for.

That's why I can't keep risking their lives anymore. I don't care about myself, somehow what happens to me afterward seems meaningless. If Darla and Drusilla win and I die, I'll be free. If I finally stop them, then it'll be over, and I'll finally be able to move on. But meanwhile, the only thing standing between me and them is the ones I care for. Darla isn't stupid, cruel, yes, but not stupid, she knows that the only way to destroy me is to go after the ones I love, even more so now that she saw just how strongly I can care...

**The End**


End file.
